Fantasy or Reality: A More Careful Treatment

Recently, I started thinking about something that I've only seen discussed a little in blogs. How would you respond to the the following? (Reverse gender and references as required if  you are a man who receives spankings. I am a woman who is spanked, so I write from my point of view.)

1. Do you enjoy imagining your husband or boyfriend spanking you (fantasy)?
2. Do you enjoy reading about someone being spanked (erotica)?
3. Do you enjoy watching someone take a spanking (videos)?
4. Do you enjoy getting a spanking yourself (real life, erotic)?
5. Do you enjoy getting a spanking yourself (real life, discipline or punishment)?

What I’d like to know is whether the women who like getting a real-life spanking also enjoy other types of spanking experiences. Many women in domestic discipline relationships say they don’t like the spanking and have never had a spanking fantasy in their lives.

Do the women who DO NOT like getting a real-life spanking happen to enjoy fantasy or erotica?

For me, I would describe my enjoyment of the options as follows:

(1) Sometimes when we are in bed or when I am just sitting around, I enjoy thinking that my boyfriend is preparing to spank me or spanking me. Since he is reluctant to do the real thing on a regular basis, the fantasies fill a void for me. The fantasies are sexually exciting for me. Years ago I read several of Nancy Friday’s books, and the stories she related of real women’s sexual fantasies were fascinating to me. (For the record, I identified with the spanking fantasies she included, but some of the other themes left me cold. A rape fantasy - seriously?. If you haven’t read her books, they were a bit dated even when I read those books decades ago, but they are intriguing nonetheless.) Bottom line, spanking fantasies are good (no pun intended).

(2) Reading spanking erotica can be exciting, if the short story is not too silly (English manor houses and female characters with ridiculously long, romantic names). I like short spanking fiction (maybe 2500 -3500 words??) set in relatively modern times (1940s to now) with a realistic spanking. The problem with looking for and reading spanking erotica is that so much of it “misses the mark” for me. I read a paragraph and decide I don’t like the style and move on to look for something else. After coming up empty when reading through a spanking library a few years ago, I decided to write up my own story. It was fun, and I was quite pleased with the result. It was just right – for me – because I wrote exactly what I liked! The bottom line is that spanking erotica is yet another path to something very similar to #1 above. (Note: I shared them with two or three men who are interested in spanking fiction and real life stories, and they all loved the stories and encouraged me to publish them. I looked for publishers, but then lost interest before submitting any of the stories.

(3) Watching someone else in a video. Sometimes I enjoy watching a mild spanking video instead of getting a spanking. (There are times when I enjoy that; I think, “Let her take the spanking!” – and I get the good fantasy feelings!) I know many people would consider this “p-rn”, and I don’t know what I really think of it. According to the Legal Dictionary (http://legal-dictionary.thefreedictionary.com/pornography), at one time the US Supreme Court proposed the “Roth test” for determining if a work is p-rnogr-phy. The Roth test for obscenity is "whether to the average person, applying contemporary community standards, the dominant theme of the material taken as a whole appeals to a prurient [lewd or lustful] interest." Although the Legal dictionary notes, “the Roth test proved difficult to use because every term in it eluded a conclusive definition”, most spanking videos could be said to appeal to prurient interest. But, I am getting away from the point here, which is that I would enjoy a relatively tasteful spanking video, if there is such a thing. Hence, watching a video is basically a means to a fantasy (see #1 above).

(4) Getting a real spanking for erotic purposes. This is always fun for me. I like the “zing” of each smack, on a physical level. I never think, “Ugh, he’s hitting me again.” However, these erotic spankings are never “enough” for me. They are like an hors d'oeuvre or, literally, the first course – ok as a little addition to lovemaking, but not very filling.

(5) Getting a real spanking for discipline or punishment. I’ve only had some “role-play” discipline spankings. Although it would seem to be my ultimate goal to get a real spanking, I often question whether this is what I want or need. I enjoy seeing and handling the wood paddle that we have. I enjoy thinking that my boyfriend will give me a serious spanking in the next few hours. However, when the time comes and he is applying that paddle to my backside over and over, I don’t know whether I enjoy the spanking or not. I struggle a bit to “get through it” (as we all seem to say), but is it something I enjoy? My answer would be “no”, although I love the aftereffects of closeness and respect that I feel for him. The feelings seem to result from the thrill of surviving a difficult experience. I don’t yet know if I would enjoy the spanking or the aftereffects if I wasn’t in the mood for it. So far, each spanking has occurred when I wanted one or was at least willing to get one. Only once was I even slightly surprised, and even then, I easily agreed to go over his knee because I see it as a positive experience (and I knew it wouldn’t be a long ordeal as it was already late at night). I don’t know how I would feel if he were more interested in spanking than I am. I think I would not like that and would ultimately break up with someone who consistently wanted to spank me more than I wanted it or had very different ideas about the style or intensity of the spankings he delivered. That is, unless we had a clear domestic discipline arrangement and I eventually agreed that the spanking was just and fair, in which case the problem was simply that I was having trouble adjusting to the idea that I needed to submit to a spanking.

Well, this has been a long post. The choices here still come down to the question of whether I want this in fantasy (1, 2, or 3) or reality (4 or 5). Number 4 is fun and light, so I know I like it. But do I really want Number 5? I don’t know whether I will know the answer to that question until I’ve tried this and perhaps crossed over from my comfort zone a few times. What do you think? Do you like any or all of the choices?

A Valentine's Belt

I bought M a casual leather belt for Valentine's Day. (Actually, I bought him two because the second one was 50% off.) I liked the idea of giving him a leather belt for Valentine's Day because (1) he needs one, and (2) he may eventually spank me with it. It gave me a little thrill to think, "He may spank me with this thing" as I mulled the selections at the store. A belt is a very personal gift, and I liked that for a Valentine's Day gift.

We gave each other accessories for V Day. I knew he was going to give me earrings because I sent him a link with appropriate selections to help him out. (He needs a little help with gift ideas and doesn't mind such obvious hints.) After I had sent him the link, I decided to get him some sort of clothing accessory, too. The belt was the perfect idea. His gift to me will make me prettier - and all girls love that. My gift to him will make him manlier - and I love that, too!

I just love the idea that one day he will order me to my room and say, "Pants down", as he rips the belt from its loops. He presses on my lower back after he quickly folds the belt. "Stay still now." Then, ten to twenty fast spanks across my bottom as punishment for some minor infraction.

Mmmmm... a girl can dream, can't she?

Happy Birthday Spanking

M gave me his birthday spanking on Thursday night! When I got my first adult birthday spanking last November, we agreed that I would get all the birthday spankings in our relationship. I was fine with that.

In the past week, I thought a lot about the birthday spanking to come. Should it be fun or intense? I think that most adult birthday spankings are designed as fun in one way or another. Either as silliness (a few slaps from your sister on your clothed bottom) or as one to three "hard as I can" paddle swats that make all the observers laugh at the birthday boy's reaction. I don't like the idea of a silly or half-hearted spanking. I decided that in our relationship, birthday spankings would be like all the rest - serious and real.

His birthday was coming up Friday. Due to circumstances out of our control, we would not be together that night, so earlier in the week we had planned the spanking for Thursday night. As Thursday evening wore on and no mention was made of the upcoming spanking, I thought he had forgotten. However, as we were going to bed, he opened the drawer where he keeps the paddle, etc., and said that we had some business to attend to. I was lying in bed. I didn't have any feelings of dread, but I was a little surprised. I had planned to mention the spanking as we went to sleep and to suggest that we have it on Sunday. But since he remembered and was willing, I went along. He sat on the side of the bed. I stood near him and started to go over his leg when I stopped myself and reminded him that he is supposed to tell me to get into position when he is ready. He said, "Assume the position." He giggled a bit with that. I think he covers up his discomfort with giggles. First, he gave me a hand spanking (about 40 or so), then 40 firm strikes with the round leather paddle and about 20 with the wooden paddle, alternating cheeks. He wanted to stop then because he said I was getting very red. I didn't want him to stop. I said, "How about just a few more, hard and fast?" He agreed, and did just that. Maybe that group ended up being about 20 or so (no pun intended). This "hard and fast" set is what I need to get the full effect of the spanking. All the other spanks are just buildup. I may have gasped and moaned a bit, but I wasn't anywhere near tears.

I told him that hard and fast set is like the "exclamation point" on the whole experience. My bottom was very warm afterwards, and I liked feeling it as I cupped my bottom with my hands. (Crazy, isn't it??) After we made love, my bottom was only slightly warm and not very pink. The next day my skin felt a little tender and sort of itchy as I sat at my desk, but I had no deep aches. 

A Spanking Makes Me Happy

After some overwhelming personal events that started in mid-November, mostly concerning a very good friend of mine, I was in no mood for spanking for several weeks. Luckily for me, I am always the one who brings up the topic to my boyfriend. When I didn't bring it up for all those weeks, M didn't bring it up either. (He was out of town for the first five weeks or so after the problems started.)

I wondered for a while whether I would ever again be interested in having my backside hit with a paddle. I had no taste at all for writing, reading, or watching anything related to spanking. It seemed to be a bit too kinky and too much like an assault on me at a time when I was in a very fragile state. If he had been in town, I might have enjoyed a nice hand spanking after a couple of weeks, but only in a nurturing kind of way. At that point, there was no way I could bend over for a session with the wooden paddle or cane.

Another month or so passed after he returned and still I had no interest in spanking. The toys are always out of sight so there were no daily reminders of spanking. We had fun just spending time together again after our time apart. The holidays kept us busy, and then we rested. Other chores kept us busy through last week. On Saturday, finally, I felt like I had turned a corner. I needed - and wanted - a spanking!

On Sunday, as we were going to bed - a little early so that we could fool around - I asked him whether I deserved a spanking. It's always so hard to spit out those words, but I can't really expect him to read my mind. Once I push out the first word of that question, it gets easier. He replied that, yes, I had been sassy in the kitchen and at other times in the past week or so. We discussed where to do it (our usual spot was crowded with his things). We agreed upon a substitute location in the bedroom. He said that he would get out the paddle. I moved to the new spot. He brought the paddle and sat on the side of the bed. I stood near him. I told him that I felt sort of silly. He asked if I was ready to "assume the position", and then he giggled. I asked if he thought this was funny. I think he laughs because he doesn't (yet) share a love of spanking, and it makes him a little uncomfortable to order me into position. I have told him in the past that he has to tell me what to do at this point in the spanking process, so he does. I bent over and grabbed a pillow to support my chest as I lay over his leg.

He spanked with his hand first, maybe 30 or so soft spanks. The spanks did not hurt much. I didn't make a sound.

Then, he stopped and rubbed my bottom. I whimpered a bit and my heart beat faster as I sensed he was picking up the paddle. He spanked about 30 or so swats, one cheek at a time. They were firm paddle spanks, but nothing really painful. He mostly spanked on alternating cheeks, but occasionally followed one spank with another on the same cheek. He stopped and rubbed my bottom. He asked if that was enough. I replied, "You have to decide that." Then, he gave me about 30 more in the same style. He rubbed my bottom again and said, "I think that is enough for tonight." I agreed at this point because the severity of each spanking is ultimately his decision. I had planned to say, "Is that all you got, Grandma?" as a tease to get a harder spanking, but that sentiment wasn't my  in my heart at that point. The spanking was hard, so I couldn't really complain that the spanks were too light, but I also wanted more.

I did have one other complaint. He sometimes reached over beyond the ideal spot on my right cheek and hit a bit on the side of my hip. That hurts in a different way and just doesn't seem to achieve the desired purpose. I'd like him to strike squarely on each cheek, perpendicular to the line of my spine. I indicated that during the spanking, and he kept to the correct spot after that. Not only does striking my side hurt in the wrong way, if he spanks there for my right cheek, the optimal spot on the right misses out on the attention it needs.

Two sets of 30 each or so with the paddle seemed to stop short of what I wanted and needed.  I'd like him to follow those two sets of 30 or so with a brief lecture and six to ten really fast, really hard spanks that would finally make me squirm and kick. He could say, "Ok, Jenn, now the real spanking starts. Get ready..." I want some really hard spanks that are completely overwhelming. I'd like to cry.

Afterwards, as we snuggled, I told him that I think he doesn't want to hurt me. He agreed. But I think he is slowly getting it. We are making good progress. I'd like to leap forward over all of these growing pangs, but I guess that's just not possible.

I know he wants to make me happy, but he doesn't realize yet that by spanking me hard and long he makes me happy.

(Btw, we had great sex after this spanking!!)

[Edited 02/17/2013 to improve wording.]