At one point, I would have thought that a spanking did not need a reason. A spanking was swats on the bottom, case closed. But lately, my thoughts on what I will call "wife spanking" have changed. Let's say you're going to spank your wife (or girlfriend) for no particular reason. Perhaps it is for the erotic arousal of the you as the spanker or of the wife. What do you do? What implement to use? How many strokes? How long to continue? Should you continue until I protest verbally? Until she begs you to stop?
To answer each of these questions you need to answer the "master question", "Why is he spanking her?"
Notice I phrased that from the spanker's perspective. That is because the spanker is the one giving the spanking. He determines what to use and how long to continue. The spankee gives up all control over the spanking as soon as she consents to being spanked, both as a general agreement and by submitting to each spanking. Whether verbally or simply by physically presenting herself in the spanking position, she gives up all control except for emergency situations (e.g., breathing difficulties). It's all over for the spankee at that point.
But what should the spanker do? Give 3 swats? 10? 150? Without a purpose, there is no answer to this question.
Having said that, what could the purpose of the spanking be? Herein lies another problem. Let's see how this goes.
(1) Erotic. If the purpose is erotic, then it is easy. Spank slowly and with a soft to moderate stroke with your hands until her cheeks are pink. Take your time and stop to rub a bit to develop stronger erotic feelings in both of you. Erotic spankings may include implements, but these are normally the more moderate ones that are wielded with a gentler hand. Checking for arousal may be part of the routine, but is likely to be unnecessary after you get to know one another in the first few sessions.
(2) In between. Let me set this goal aside for the time being....
(3) Punishment. If the purpose is punishment, then she must be spanked a bit beyond when she feels she's had enough. This may be hard to gauge, but it is solely up to the spanker to look for signs and determine when she's been punished enough. Some say you should continue until she makes uncoordinated movements of her torso, legs, and hands - twisting, kicking, and reaching back. Others say when she is sincerely begging you to stop. you are almost at the point where she has been sufficiently punished. However, I say that the goal of a punishment spanking will vary with the crime. One curse word might mean a relatively light punishment spanking of about 10 strokes of the hairbrush or paddle, whereas texting and driving would deserve a severe spanking with either the cane or belt followed by the paddle. The light spanking may not be very exciting or make much of an impression on her, yet it may be enough to remind her to choose better words for a few days. Repeated offenses would earn a more severe spanking.
Is there really anything in between? Probably not anything different. All spankings probably fall somewhere on the Erotic to Punishment continuum and an "in between" spanking can be understood as a little less of one and a little more of the other for different people and different times. But the spanker and spankee must both know what the goal is, because there is a goal. It may just be that no one has stated the goal explicitly.
Having said that, what about these "maintenance spankings" that everyone talks about? To me, as most bloggers use the term "maintenance" is a small punishment spanking, like the bad language example above. Once a week he would spank for all the small things she could have done better, even if he does not list them or state directly that you are being spanked for all the small misdemeanors.
What about my preferred term, "Practice Spankings". Well, they are just that - practice, but the understood adjective is "punishment". Practice Spankings are almost always for punishment, because who in the heck needs to practice an erotic spanking? Way too easy. Whether a few swats, or a few hundred, if the goal is erotic, once you've given a few erotic spankings, you'll know that you know how to do it. After that, why play around with pretending to practice? Just give her an erotic spanking and enjoy the afteraffects.
What of "stress relief spankings"? As stress relief undoubtedly brings some measure of pleasure, a stress relief spanking is a form of Erotic Spanking. Why not?
One final note, purely "Erotic Spankings" have lost their appeal to me. They work, I do get aroused from smacks to my rear, but I no longer want spanks without a purpose. I like the purpose and the thrill of going over his knee for a punishment. I like the "out-of-control" aspect of "really getting it". I like looking at him afterwards and thinking, "This man just spanked me." I like that it reestablishes him as the leader and enforcer. It keeps me from overwhelming him. It keeps me from taking over the relationship. He's not a natural spanker (see earlier posts here), but I think he is starting to like it, perhaps for the same reasons. He had just never thought that spanking was the way to make the relationship something that he wanted it to be. He likes to be the leader. I like to have my say, but I know something is out-of-whack (no pun intended) when I am calling all the shots. He doesn't like it, but is too polite to say anything. I don't like it, but I feel bad enough without 'fessing up that I know my behavior is out-of-line. A good spanking is a way to reset us to what we both want. A small price to pay, if you ask me.
Sunday, December 9, 2012
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Two Days Later
Two days after I wrote that post, on a Monday night, I asked for and received a birthday spanking. He used his hand, then the short cane. I suggested the cane because it is quiet. He dutifully gave me my age in hand spanks (less than 50). Then, he gave me the same number with the cane - and surprised me by continuing to about 70. The short cane when used OTK (actually, over the leg, leaning on the bed) doesn't hurt too much. It's not like getting the cane with him standing and using a full arm swing. The over the leg position only allows him to lift his arm and swing so much. It is stingy and does hurt, but it is quite manageable. I will say, I was satisfied and happy when it was over. I recall that I was starting to cry out a bit more, and he seems to stop when I do that. I'd like him to continue well beyond these natural protests, but he is not yet comfortable with that. We are making progress, though. I was quite turned on by the whole birthday spanking. Later, I remarked that I thought he would quit at my age (when he was spanking with the cane). He said he was expecting to do that, but he was enjoying it and wanted to continue. I think that is a great sign! He's becoming a spanko! Or, at least, a SPANKER! He is really a great guy!! I was very turned on by the spanking, and he certainly liked that.
Two days after my birthday spanking, we were at his place (where we have more privacy), spending our last night together for about five weeks. (He will be travelling for work until about Christmas.) Of course, he wanted to fool around, but it was getting late. I told him that I felt "the pressure is on" to get turned on quickly and have a great encounter. He understood how I might feel that way. Somehow I suggested that we could speed up the "turning on" part of making love if I got a spanking. He said, "We could do that." I agreed, and he took out the wooden paddle. I was willing, and a bit turned on that he would spank me with no warning or anticipation, but from the first spank, I was in such pain! I guess I was still feeling the aftereffects of the 70 cane strokes. (And, I was. For two days, I could feel the surface tenderness and deep soreness each time I sat down or touched my bottom.) After about 18 or so, I started to raise up my torso in pain after each swat, screaming out something like, "Ahhhh!". I guess I tolerated about 30 or so before my right foot started to come up and I cried out with each one. He could tell I was suffering, and he stopped and asked if that was enough. I said, "Yes!"
I'd prefer that he take me a bit farther, past the point that I'm starting to hope that he will stop. Instead of stopping and asking if that is enough, I wish he'd push my torso back towards the bed and give me five or six really hard ones, really fast. I'd scream, but I'd love it!!
I'll have to teach him how to put an "exclamation point" on a spanking.
Two days after my birthday spanking, we were at his place (where we have more privacy), spending our last night together for about five weeks. (He will be travelling for work until about Christmas.) Of course, he wanted to fool around, but it was getting late. I told him that I felt "the pressure is on" to get turned on quickly and have a great encounter. He understood how I might feel that way. Somehow I suggested that we could speed up the "turning on" part of making love if I got a spanking. He said, "We could do that." I agreed, and he took out the wooden paddle. I was willing, and a bit turned on that he would spank me with no warning or anticipation, but from the first spank, I was in such pain! I guess I was still feeling the aftereffects of the 70 cane strokes. (And, I was. For two days, I could feel the surface tenderness and deep soreness each time I sat down or touched my bottom.) After about 18 or so, I started to raise up my torso in pain after each swat, screaming out something like, "Ahhhh!". I guess I tolerated about 30 or so before my right foot started to come up and I cried out with each one. He could tell I was suffering, and he stopped and asked if that was enough. I said, "Yes!"
I'd prefer that he take me a bit farther, past the point that I'm starting to hope that he will stop. Instead of stopping and asking if that is enough, I wish he'd push my torso back towards the bed and give me five or six really hard ones, really fast. I'd scream, but I'd love it!!
I'll have to teach him how to put an "exclamation point" on a spanking.
Saturday, November 10, 2012
Making Progress
This will be a short post. It is late.
What I have noticed in the past few spankings is that we are now developing our own spanking style. At first, I had an idea - from what I had read and my fantasies - of what I wanted him to say and to do. I thought that would save us the dreadful part of the learning curve where mistakes and regrets are made. But now I've learned that we have to do this our way and learn what is important to us. So from the start he has developed a ritual of telling me to "assume the position", which I didn't like at first because I associate that with boys being paddled (impersonally) at school. I prefer "Come here, bend over". But "assume the position" seems to make this more pleasant and a bit more fun for him. Also, warmups are now at his discretion, as are the order and number of strokes with each implement. At first I thought it had to be hand warmup, paddle, then cane, but he seems to prefer to do a warmup only sometimes, followed by the cane, then several sets with the paddle. Until this causes problems for us, I will let him proceed as he likes. After all, I want him to like this, and I like it so far.
What I have noticed in the past few spankings is that we are now developing our own spanking style. At first, I had an idea - from what I had read and my fantasies - of what I wanted him to say and to do. I thought that would save us the dreadful part of the learning curve where mistakes and regrets are made. But now I've learned that we have to do this our way and learn what is important to us. So from the start he has developed a ritual of telling me to "assume the position", which I didn't like at first because I associate that with boys being paddled (impersonally) at school. I prefer "Come here, bend over". But "assume the position" seems to make this more pleasant and a bit more fun for him. Also, warmups are now at his discretion, as are the order and number of strokes with each implement. At first I thought it had to be hand warmup, paddle, then cane, but he seems to prefer to do a warmup only sometimes, followed by the cane, then several sets with the paddle. Until this causes problems for us, I will let him proceed as he likes. After all, I want him to like this, and I like it so far.
Monday, October 22, 2012
Great...hard...hurt
Well, in a word, it was "great"!! It was also "hard" and it "hurt". Ok, enough of that silliness. He started out with a hand warm-up, and then pulled out the wooden paddle. I've had it before, but he never really swung it hard enough. This time he started out hard. From the first spank I was hurting. At the end of the first set (about 30??), he gave me one that made me really cry out in pain and lift my left leg. He stopped for a bit of rubbing and then started up again. I was a little disappointed that he spanked more softly for this second set. Then he stopped, rubbed, and asked if that was enough. I told him to do a few more, but harder and faster. This last set of about ten or so were about as hard as that first set and just a little bit faster. None caused a reaction like that last spank in the first set.
He didn't lecture, which I would have liked. But it was nice. I thanked him afterwards.
It's too bad the effect is so temporary. We played in bed a while. I told him that spanking doesn't have to lead to sex, but then I mentioned the spanking - oral sex connection. He liked that idea a lot! I felt my warm buns once or twice, but other than that the effect was fleeting. By the evening, there were no lingering effects at all.
The good news is that he's getting better!
He didn't lecture, which I would have liked. But it was nice. I thanked him afterwards.
It's too bad the effect is so temporary. We played in bed a while. I told him that spanking doesn't have to lead to sex, but then I mentioned the spanking - oral sex connection. He liked that idea a lot! I felt my warm buns once or twice, but other than that the effect was fleeting. By the evening, there were no lingering effects at all.
The good news is that he's getting better!
Sunday, October 21, 2012
I'm Going to be Spanked Today
Lately I've been asking for more spankings, and he has agreed to do more. I have also requested that at least at times, the spanking is "for a reason". Otherwise, for me, it is just so much ass slapping.
Last night, M and I were talking in bed about our plans for today. I mentioned that he might want to spank me. I was thinking it would be a "reminder" or "practice" spanking. I prefer those words to "maintenance". I like to think that these sort-of-weekly spankings are to remind me that I can be spanked if I get out of line and try to take control of the relationship. These routine spankings for him to practice how to spank me and for me to learn how to take a spanking with grace and dignity.
When I suggested a spanking, he said, "Yes, you were very sassy in the kitchen tonight." How exciting! He wanted to spank me for being sassy!! Let me tell you what happened...
Yesterday, M was helping me cook a chicken stew. He is just learning to cook, so he has some silly ways of doing things, like peeling an onion. He tries to take off each paper-thin peeling, one at at time. As a teen, my mother taught me to remove the skin by cutting almost all the way across the top and bottom of the onion and ripping off a section. Then, take off one good layer and all of the peelings at once. When I noticed what he was doing, I made some disparaging remarks and grabbed the knife from him and tried to apply my method, also known as "the right way". He went along and didn't say anything at the time. But he must have been stewing over it all night (no pun intended!).
So, I'm excited that I will get a spanking this afternoon for being disrespectful. It would have been ok to be spanked for this anytime last night. If he had said something at the time, he could have spanked me while the stew was simmering. But it's ok to wait a little while, too. I've been thinking about it this morning, and I like the idea that he is going to try to take me in hand and give me a good cane and wooden paddle spanking for my actions. Eventually, I'd like him to spank hard enough that I start to cry. (Hasn't happened yet, but we are getting there.) As I mentioned above, I have a tendency to sort of take over. For him to remain somewhat in charge, he will have to spank me fairly often, perhaps about once a week. I can tell that he doesn't really like it, but he does it for me and for the relationship.
To be honest, though, it's all just an illusion - I am still in charge. ;)
Last night, M and I were talking in bed about our plans for today. I mentioned that he might want to spank me. I was thinking it would be a "reminder" or "practice" spanking. I prefer those words to "maintenance". I like to think that these sort-of-weekly spankings are to remind me that I can be spanked if I get out of line and try to take control of the relationship. These routine spankings for him to practice how to spank me and for me to learn how to take a spanking with grace and dignity.
When I suggested a spanking, he said, "Yes, you were very sassy in the kitchen tonight." How exciting! He wanted to spank me for being sassy!! Let me tell you what happened...
Yesterday, M was helping me cook a chicken stew. He is just learning to cook, so he has some silly ways of doing things, like peeling an onion. He tries to take off each paper-thin peeling, one at at time. As a teen, my mother taught me to remove the skin by cutting almost all the way across the top and bottom of the onion and ripping off a section. Then, take off one good layer and all of the peelings at once. When I noticed what he was doing, I made some disparaging remarks and grabbed the knife from him and tried to apply my method, also known as "the right way". He went along and didn't say anything at the time. But he must have been stewing over it all night (no pun intended!).
So, I'm excited that I will get a spanking this afternoon for being disrespectful. It would have been ok to be spanked for this anytime last night. If he had said something at the time, he could have spanked me while the stew was simmering. But it's ok to wait a little while, too. I've been thinking about it this morning, and I like the idea that he is going to try to take me in hand and give me a good cane and wooden paddle spanking for my actions. Eventually, I'd like him to spank hard enough that I start to cry. (Hasn't happened yet, but we are getting there.) As I mentioned above, I have a tendency to sort of take over. For him to remain somewhat in charge, he will have to spank me fairly often, perhaps about once a week. I can tell that he doesn't really like it, but he does it for me and for the relationship.
To be honest, though, it's all just an illusion - I am still in charge. ;)
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Why Spanking Fantasies?
One aspect of spanking that is not explained by Opponent-Process Theory is having fantasies of being spanked before having any experience with erotic spanking - or any other type of spanking, for that matter. Why would I have had spanking fantasies as a college student? I had only ever had the rare swat on the rear for being too loud in the house.
I remember picking up a book in the college bookstore, reading a random page or two, and being aroused by stories of activities much more extreme than spanking. The book was apparently assigned reading for a sociology class. I think the description was of bondage of some sort. Perhaps there was some mild BDSM, too. I just don't remember. Not long after that, browsing at Walden Books, I discovered Nancy Friday's books of women's fantasies. While the rape fantasies did nothing for me, those that mentioned spanking were dog-eared and underlined. Why? I definitely think the feelings of (safe) loss of control and being overwhelmed are part of that thrill. There is something to the repetitive and unrelenting nature of a spanking that is very similar to .... well, I'll let you figure that out! So, being commanded to bend over and then have that pounding, pounding, pounding - with a little imaginary sting each time is pretty exciting.
That is the fantasy world. If a real spanking were just pain and misery, a woman would ask for or agree to one, have a terrible experience and then never agree to another spanking. Certainly, this does happen to some women, depending on the experience provided by her spanker and her own mental state and perceptions. But, many, many more do it again and again. I believe they have nice afterfeelings even with the first spanking and develop the good aftereffects that Opponent-Process predicts if the spankings are just frequent enough - perhaps once a week or so? Most people seem to settle on some time period between four days and a week between "maintenance" spankings. Could that be the optimal time between experiences? Perhaps. Alas, I don't think we can really know, but maybe one day other research will give us an idea of optimal. Any volunteers??
In the meantime, "Keep on Spanking"!!
I remember picking up a book in the college bookstore, reading a random page or two, and being aroused by stories of activities much more extreme than spanking. The book was apparently assigned reading for a sociology class. I think the description was of bondage of some sort. Perhaps there was some mild BDSM, too. I just don't remember. Not long after that, browsing at Walden Books, I discovered Nancy Friday's books of women's fantasies. While the rape fantasies did nothing for me, those that mentioned spanking were dog-eared and underlined. Why? I definitely think the feelings of (safe) loss of control and being overwhelmed are part of that thrill. There is something to the repetitive and unrelenting nature of a spanking that is very similar to .... well, I'll let you figure that out! So, being commanded to bend over and then have that pounding, pounding, pounding - with a little imaginary sting each time is pretty exciting.
That is the fantasy world. If a real spanking were just pain and misery, a woman would ask for or agree to one, have a terrible experience and then never agree to another spanking. Certainly, this does happen to some women, depending on the experience provided by her spanker and her own mental state and perceptions. But, many, many more do it again and again. I believe they have nice afterfeelings even with the first spanking and develop the good aftereffects that Opponent-Process predicts if the spankings are just frequent enough - perhaps once a week or so? Most people seem to settle on some time period between four days and a week between "maintenance" spankings. Could that be the optimal time between experiences? Perhaps. Alas, I don't think we can really know, but maybe one day other research will give us an idea of optimal. Any volunteers??
In the meantime, "Keep on Spanking"!!
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Opponent-Process: Pleasure from Pain
The idea of explaining a woman's desire for a spanking using the Opponent-Process Theory of pain and pleasure makes TTWD much more understandable. I've long thought that Opponent-Process might explain why someone would ask for a painful experience like this, but having read more about the application of the theory to other situations I am even more impressed with the elegance and simplicity of the explanation. It just fits everything so well.
Part of what amazes me is that the theory applies both to women who simply like to be spanked for erotic purposes (e.g., Bonnie) as well as those practicing "Domestic Discipline" (Clint and Chelsea) and those who might be somewhere in between (Sara). I know the "pure Dd" group will disagree, but Dd is simply a way to convince a man who is not a natural spanko to spank his wife or girlfriend. I first understood this when a man I was dating asked me to spank him for discipline. I was willing to do it - as a favor - but it would not turn me on. I see an "HOH" that way. He gets no thrill from spanking, but he wants to do this for his wife or girlfriend. The idea of spanking her for discipline makes the activity acceptable to him. The couple simply have a more well-developed backstory than most of us. That's fine. I like the idea of a little discipline, too, but I don't need to justify my enjoyment of a spanking as a way to have a "clean slate" after a disagreement. A spanking never solved much of anything, so if there were real problems to disagree about, spanking would just drive the issues underground. (I have seen posts from women who seem to be stuck in this downward spiral. If I find one, I will post. I try to forget these sad stories.) I will concede that some women need a little spanking every now and then to remember to treat their husbands or boyfriends with respect. I know a few I could nominate. And I could have used one yesterday! Lol.
I'm sure some will dismiss the Opponent-Process explanation as "just a theory", but note that Todd Becker writes, "Solomon’s theory [Opponent-Process] has been verified experimentally with animals and humans, and reflects a sophisticated understanding of the physiology of the nervous system." You will have to refer to his very well-written blog entry for more detail. I could not do a better job. Kudos! The bottom line is that the theory works for so many behaviors and sensations.
I expect some push-back on this theory, as many people prefer mystery to an explanation. Seeing a spanking as a way to bring out endorphins in response to pain is not a radically new idea, either, but the theory is much more. It is fleshed out and comprehensive. Study Figures 4-7 on Becker's webpage. Disagree if you will, but all I ask is that you use a logical approach.
[As I may have noted elsewhere, I use "man" as the one with the paddle and "woman" as the one with the red bottom because that is how my life is organized. Sorry, but if your spankee is a man, you'll just have to do a find on "woman" and replace it with "man", "man" with "woman", and so on! I prefer not to use HoH because I can't stand to pronounce it "H-o-H" or to use the terms Dom and Sub, as that just doesn't feel like my life. To each his own.]
Part of what amazes me is that the theory applies both to women who simply like to be spanked for erotic purposes (e.g., Bonnie) as well as those practicing "Domestic Discipline" (Clint and Chelsea) and those who might be somewhere in between (Sara). I know the "pure Dd" group will disagree, but Dd is simply a way to convince a man who is not a natural spanko to spank his wife or girlfriend. I first understood this when a man I was dating asked me to spank him for discipline. I was willing to do it - as a favor - but it would not turn me on. I see an "HOH" that way. He gets no thrill from spanking, but he wants to do this for his wife or girlfriend. The idea of spanking her for discipline makes the activity acceptable to him. The couple simply have a more well-developed backstory than most of us. That's fine. I like the idea of a little discipline, too, but I don't need to justify my enjoyment of a spanking as a way to have a "clean slate" after a disagreement. A spanking never solved much of anything, so if there were real problems to disagree about, spanking would just drive the issues underground. (I have seen posts from women who seem to be stuck in this downward spiral. If I find one, I will post. I try to forget these sad stories.) I will concede that some women need a little spanking every now and then to remember to treat their husbands or boyfriends with respect. I know a few I could nominate. And I could have used one yesterday! Lol.
I'm sure some will dismiss the Opponent-Process explanation as "just a theory", but note that Todd Becker writes, "Solomon’s theory [Opponent-Process] has been verified experimentally with animals and humans, and reflects a sophisticated understanding of the physiology of the nervous system." You will have to refer to his very well-written blog entry for more detail. I could not do a better job. Kudos! The bottom line is that the theory works for so many behaviors and sensations.
I expect some push-back on this theory, as many people prefer mystery to an explanation. Seeing a spanking as a way to bring out endorphins in response to pain is not a radically new idea, either, but the theory is much more. It is fleshed out and comprehensive. Study Figures 4-7 on Becker's webpage. Disagree if you will, but all I ask is that you use a logical approach.
[As I may have noted elsewhere, I use "man" as the one with the paddle and "woman" as the one with the red bottom because that is how my life is organized. Sorry, but if your spankee is a man, you'll just have to do a find on "woman" and replace it with "man", "man" with "woman", and so on! I prefer not to use HoH because I can't stand to pronounce it "H-o-H" or to use the terms Dom and Sub, as that just doesn't feel like my life. To each his own.]
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