Fantasy or Reality: A More Careful Treatment

Recently, I started thinking about something that I've only seen discussed a little in blogs. How would you respond to the the following? (Reverse gender and references as required if  you are a man who receives spankings. I am a woman who is spanked, so I write from my point of view.)

1. Do you enjoy imagining your husband or boyfriend spanking you (fantasy)?
2. Do you enjoy reading about someone being spanked (erotica)?
3. Do you enjoy watching someone take a spanking (videos)?
4. Do you enjoy getting a spanking yourself (real life, erotic)?
5. Do you enjoy getting a spanking yourself (real life, discipline or punishment)?

What I’d like to know is whether the women who like getting a real-life spanking also enjoy other types of spanking experiences. Many women in domestic discipline relationships say they don’t like the spanking and have never had a spanking fantasy in their lives.

Do the women who DO NOT like getting a real-life spanking happen to enjoy fantasy or erotica?

For me, I would describe my enjoyment of the options as follows:

(1) Sometimes when we are in bed or when I am just sitting around, I enjoy thinking that my boyfriend is preparing to spank me or spanking me. Since he is reluctant to do the real thing on a regular basis, the fantasies fill a void for me. The fantasies are sexually exciting for me. Years ago I read several of Nancy Friday’s books, and the stories she related of real women’s sexual fantasies were fascinating to me. (For the record, I identified with the spanking fantasies she included, but some of the other themes left me cold. A rape fantasy - seriously?. If you haven’t read her books, they were a bit dated even when I read those books decades ago, but they are intriguing nonetheless.) Bottom line, spanking fantasies are good (no pun intended).

(2) Reading spanking erotica can be exciting, if the short story is not too silly (English manor houses and female characters with ridiculously long, romantic names). I like short spanking fiction (maybe 2500 -3500 words??) set in relatively modern times (1940s to now) with a realistic spanking. The problem with looking for and reading spanking erotica is that so much of it “misses the mark” for me. I read a paragraph and decide I don’t like the style and move on to look for something else. After coming up empty when reading through a spanking library a few years ago, I decided to write up my own story. It was fun, and I was quite pleased with the result. It was just right – for me – because I wrote exactly what I liked! The bottom line is that spanking erotica is yet another path to something very similar to #1 above. (Note: I shared them with two or three men who are interested in spanking fiction and real life stories, and they all loved the stories and encouraged me to publish them. I looked for publishers, but then lost interest before submitting any of the stories.

(3) Watching someone else in a video. Sometimes I enjoy watching a mild spanking video instead of getting a spanking. (There are times when I enjoy that; I think, “Let her take the spanking!” – and I get the good fantasy feelings!) I know many people would consider this “p-rn”, and I don’t know what I really think of it. According to the Legal Dictionary (http://legal-dictionary.thefreedictionary.com/pornography), at one time the US Supreme Court proposed the “Roth test” for determining if a work is p-rnogr-phy. The Roth test for obscenity is "whether to the average person, applying contemporary community standards, the dominant theme of the material taken as a whole appeals to a prurient [lewd or lustful] interest." Although the Legal dictionary notes, “the Roth test proved difficult to use because every term in it eluded a conclusive definition”, most spanking videos could be said to appeal to prurient interest. But, I am getting away from the point here, which is that I would enjoy a relatively tasteful spanking video, if there is such a thing. Hence, watching a video is basically a means to a fantasy (see #1 above).

(4) Getting a real spanking for erotic purposes. This is always fun for me. I like the “zing” of each smack, on a physical level. I never think, “Ugh, he’s hitting me again.” However, these erotic spankings are never “enough” for me. They are like an hors d'oeuvre or, literally, the first course – ok as a little addition to lovemaking, but not very filling.

(5) Getting a real spanking for discipline or punishment. I’ve only had some “role-play” discipline spankings. Although it would seem to be my ultimate goal to get a real spanking, I often question whether this is what I want or need. I enjoy seeing and handling the wood paddle that we have. I enjoy thinking that my boyfriend will give me a serious spanking in the next few hours. However, when the time comes and he is applying that paddle to my backside over and over, I don’t know whether I enjoy the spanking or not. I struggle a bit to “get through it” (as we all seem to say), but is it something I enjoy? My answer would be “no”, although I love the aftereffects of closeness and respect that I feel for him. The feelings seem to result from the thrill of surviving a difficult experience. I don’t yet know if I would enjoy the spanking or the aftereffects if I wasn’t in the mood for it. So far, each spanking has occurred when I wanted one or was at least willing to get one. Only once was I even slightly surprised, and even then, I easily agreed to go over his knee because I see it as a positive experience (and I knew it wouldn’t be a long ordeal as it was already late at night). I don’t know how I would feel if he were more interested in spanking than I am. I think I would not like that and would ultimately break up with someone who consistently wanted to spank me more than I wanted it or had very different ideas about the style or intensity of the spankings he delivered. That is, unless we had a clear domestic discipline arrangement and I eventually agreed that the spanking was just and fair, in which case the problem was simply that I was having trouble adjusting to the idea that I needed to submit to a spanking.

Well, this has been a long post. The choices here still come down to the question of whether I want this in fantasy (1, 2, or 3) or reality (4 or 5). Number 4 is fun and light, so I know I like it. But do I really want Number 5? I don’t know whether I will know the answer to that question until I’ve tried this and perhaps crossed over from my comfort zone a few times. What do you think? Do you like any or all of the choices?

A Valentine's Belt

I bought M a casual leather belt for Valentine's Day. (Actually, I bought him two because the second one was 50% off.) I liked the idea of giving him a leather belt for Valentine's Day because (1) he needs one, and (2) he may eventually spank me with it. It gave me a little thrill to think, "He may spank me with this thing" as I mulled the selections at the store. A belt is a very personal gift, and I liked that for a Valentine's Day gift.

We gave each other accessories for V Day. I knew he was going to give me earrings because I sent him a link with appropriate selections to help him out. (He needs a little help with gift ideas and doesn't mind such obvious hints.) After I had sent him the link, I decided to get him some sort of clothing accessory, too. The belt was the perfect idea. His gift to me will make me prettier - and all girls love that. My gift to him will make him manlier - and I love that, too!

I just love the idea that one day he will order me to my room and say, "Pants down", as he rips the belt from its loops. He presses on my lower back after he quickly folds the belt. "Stay still now." Then, ten to twenty fast spanks across my bottom as punishment for some minor infraction.

Mmmmm... a girl can dream, can't she?

Happy Birthday Spanking

M gave me his birthday spanking on Thursday night! When I got my first adult birthday spanking last November, we agreed that I would get all the birthday spankings in our relationship. I was fine with that.

In the past week, I thought a lot about the birthday spanking to come. Should it be fun or intense? I think that most adult birthday spankings are designed as fun in one way or another. Either as silliness (a few slaps from your sister on your clothed bottom) or as one to three "hard as I can" paddle swats that make all the observers laugh at the birthday boy's reaction. I don't like the idea of a silly or half-hearted spanking. I decided that in our relationship, birthday spankings would be like all the rest - serious and real.

His birthday was coming up Friday. Due to circumstances out of our control, we would not be together that night, so earlier in the week we had planned the spanking for Thursday night. As Thursday evening wore on and no mention was made of the upcoming spanking, I thought he had forgotten. However, as we were going to bed, he opened the drawer where he keeps the paddle, etc., and said that we had some business to attend to. I was lying in bed. I didn't have any feelings of dread, but I was a little surprised. I had planned to mention the spanking as we went to sleep and to suggest that we have it on Sunday. But since he remembered and was willing, I went along. He sat on the side of the bed. I stood near him and started to go over his leg when I stopped myself and reminded him that he is supposed to tell me to get into position when he is ready. He said, "Assume the position." He giggled a bit with that. I think he covers up his discomfort with giggles. First, he gave me a hand spanking (about 40 or so), then 40 firm strikes with the round leather paddle and about 20 with the wooden paddle, alternating cheeks. He wanted to stop then because he said I was getting very red. I didn't want him to stop. I said, "How about just a few more, hard and fast?" He agreed, and did just that. Maybe that group ended up being about 20 or so (no pun intended). This "hard and fast" set is what I need to get the full effect of the spanking. All the other spanks are just buildup. I may have gasped and moaned a bit, but I wasn't anywhere near tears.

I told him that hard and fast set is like the "exclamation point" on the whole experience. My bottom was very warm afterwards, and I liked feeling it as I cupped my bottom with my hands. (Crazy, isn't it??) After we made love, my bottom was only slightly warm and not very pink. The next day my skin felt a little tender and sort of itchy as I sat at my desk, but I had no deep aches. 

A Spanking Makes Me Happy

After some overwhelming personal events that started in mid-November, mostly concerning a very good friend of mine, I was in no mood for spanking for several weeks. Luckily for me, I am always the one who brings up the topic to my boyfriend. When I didn't bring it up for all those weeks, M didn't bring it up either. (He was out of town for the first five weeks or so after the problems started.)

I wondered for a while whether I would ever again be interested in having my backside hit with a paddle. I had no taste at all for writing, reading, or watching anything related to spanking. It seemed to be a bit too kinky and too much like an assault on me at a time when I was in a very fragile state. If he had been in town, I might have enjoyed a nice hand spanking after a couple of weeks, but only in a nurturing kind of way. At that point, there was no way I could bend over for a session with the wooden paddle or cane.

Another month or so passed after he returned and still I had no interest in spanking. The toys are always out of sight so there were no daily reminders of spanking. We had fun just spending time together again after our time apart. The holidays kept us busy, and then we rested. Other chores kept us busy through last week. On Saturday, finally, I felt like I had turned a corner. I needed - and wanted - a spanking!

On Sunday, as we were going to bed - a little early so that we could fool around - I asked him whether I deserved a spanking. It's always so hard to spit out those words, but I can't really expect him to read my mind. Once I push out the first word of that question, it gets easier. He replied that, yes, I had been sassy in the kitchen and at other times in the past week or so. We discussed where to do it (our usual spot was crowded with his things). We agreed upon a substitute location in the bedroom. He said that he would get out the paddle. I moved to the new spot. He brought the paddle and sat on the side of the bed. I stood near him. I told him that I felt sort of silly. He asked if I was ready to "assume the position", and then he giggled. I asked if he thought this was funny. I think he laughs because he doesn't (yet) share a love of spanking, and it makes him a little uncomfortable to order me into position. I have told him in the past that he has to tell me what to do at this point in the spanking process, so he does. I bent over and grabbed a pillow to support my chest as I lay over his leg.

He spanked with his hand first, maybe 30 or so soft spanks. The spanks did not hurt much. I didn't make a sound.

Then, he stopped and rubbed my bottom. I whimpered a bit and my heart beat faster as I sensed he was picking up the paddle. He spanked about 30 or so swats, one cheek at a time. They were firm paddle spanks, but nothing really painful. He mostly spanked on alternating cheeks, but occasionally followed one spank with another on the same cheek. He stopped and rubbed my bottom. He asked if that was enough. I replied, "You have to decide that." Then, he gave me about 30 more in the same style. He rubbed my bottom again and said, "I think that is enough for tonight." I agreed at this point because the severity of each spanking is ultimately his decision. I had planned to say, "Is that all you got, Grandma?" as a tease to get a harder spanking, but that sentiment wasn't my  in my heart at that point. The spanking was hard, so I couldn't really complain that the spanks were too light, but I also wanted more.

I did have one other complaint. He sometimes reached over beyond the ideal spot on my right cheek and hit a bit on the side of my hip. That hurts in a different way and just doesn't seem to achieve the desired purpose. I'd like him to strike squarely on each cheek, perpendicular to the line of my spine. I indicated that during the spanking, and he kept to the correct spot after that. Not only does striking my side hurt in the wrong way, if he spanks there for my right cheek, the optimal spot on the right misses out on the attention it needs.

Two sets of 30 each or so with the paddle seemed to stop short of what I wanted and needed.  I'd like him to follow those two sets of 30 or so with a brief lecture and six to ten really fast, really hard spanks that would finally make me squirm and kick. He could say, "Ok, Jenn, now the real spanking starts. Get ready..." I want some really hard spanks that are completely overwhelming. I'd like to cry.

Afterwards, as we snuggled, I told him that I think he doesn't want to hurt me. He agreed. But I think he is slowly getting it. We are making good progress. I'd like to leap forward over all of these growing pangs, but I guess that's just not possible.

I know he wants to make me happy, but he doesn't realize yet that by spanking me hard and long he makes me happy.

(Btw, we had great sex after this spanking!!)

[Edited 02/17/2013 to improve wording.]

Does a Spanking Need a Reason and a Goal?

At one point, I would have thought that a spanking did not need a reason. A spanking was swats on the bottom, case closed. But lately, my thoughts on what I will call "wife spanking" have changed. Let's say you're going to spank your wife (or girlfriend) for no particular reason. Perhaps it is for the erotic arousal of the you as the spanker or of the wife. What do you do? What implement to use? How many strokes? How long to continue? Should you continue until I protest verbally? Until she begs you to stop?

To answer each of these questions you need to answer the "master question", "Why is he spanking her?"

Notice I phrased that from the spanker's perspective. That is because the spanker is the one giving the spanking. He determines what to use and how long to continue. The spankee gives up all control over the spanking as soon as she consents to being spanked, both as a general agreement and by submitting to each spanking. Whether verbally or simply by physically presenting herself in the spanking position, she gives up all control except for emergency situations (e.g., breathing difficulties). It's all over for the spankee at that point.

But what should the spanker do? Give 3 swats? 10? 150? Without a purpose, there is no answer to this question.

Having said that, what could the purpose of the spanking be? Herein lies another problem. Let's see how this goes.

(1) Erotic. If the purpose is erotic, then it is easy. Spank slowly and with a soft to moderate stroke with your hands until her cheeks are pink. Take your time and stop to rub a bit to develop stronger erotic feelings in both of you. Erotic spankings may include implements, but these are normally the more moderate ones that are wielded with a gentler hand. Checking for arousal may be part of the routine, but is likely to be unnecessary after you get to know one another in the first few sessions.
(2) In between. Let me set this goal aside for the time being....
(3) Punishment. If the purpose is punishment, then she must be spanked a bit beyond when she feels she's had enough. This may be hard to gauge, but it is solely up to the spanker to look for signs and determine when she's been punished enough. Some say you should continue until she makes uncoordinated movements of her torso, legs, and hands - twisting, kicking, and reaching back. Others say when she is sincerely begging you to stop. you are almost at the point where she has been sufficiently punished. However, I say that the goal of a punishment spanking will vary with the crime. One curse word might mean a relatively light punishment spanking of about 10 strokes of the hairbrush or paddle, whereas texting and driving would deserve a severe spanking with either the cane or belt followed by the paddle. The light spanking may not be very exciting or make much of an impression on her, yet it may be enough to remind her to choose better words for a few days. Repeated offenses would earn a more severe spanking.

Is there really anything in between? Probably not anything different. All spankings probably fall somewhere on the Erotic to Punishment continuum and an "in between" spanking can be understood as a little less of one and a little more of the other for different people and different times. But the spanker and spankee must both know what the goal is, because there is a goal. It may just be that no one has stated the goal explicitly.

Having said that, what about these "maintenance spankings" that everyone talks about? To me, as most bloggers use the term "maintenance" is a small punishment spanking, like the bad language example above. Once a week he would spank for all the small things she could have done better, even if he does not list them or state directly that you are being spanked for all the small misdemeanors.

What about my preferred term, "Practice Spankings". Well, they are just that - practice, but the understood adjective is "punishment". Practice Spankings are almost always for punishment, because who in the heck needs to practice an erotic spanking? Way too easy. Whether a few swats, or a few hundred, if the goal is erotic, once you've given a few erotic spankings, you'll know that you know how to do it. After that, why play around with pretending to practice? Just give her an erotic spanking and enjoy the afteraffects.

What of "stress relief spankings"? As stress relief undoubtedly brings some measure of pleasure, a stress relief spanking is a form of Erotic Spanking. Why not?

One final note, purely "Erotic Spankings" have lost their appeal to me. They work, I do get aroused from smacks to my rear, but I no longer want spanks without a purpose. I like the purpose and the thrill of going over his knee for a punishment. I like the "out-of-control" aspect of "really getting it". I like looking at him afterwards and thinking, "This man just spanked me." I like that it reestablishes him as the leader and enforcer. It keeps me from overwhelming him. It keeps me from taking over the relationship. He's not a natural spanker (see earlier posts here), but I think he is starting to like it, perhaps for the same reasons. He had just never thought that spanking was the way to make the relationship something that he wanted it to be. He likes to be the leader. I like to have my say, but I know something is out-of-whack (no pun intended) when I am calling all the shots. He doesn't like it, but is too polite to say anything. I don't like it, but I feel bad enough without 'fessing up that I know my behavior is out-of-line. A good spanking is a way to reset us to what we both want. A small price to pay, if you ask me.

Two Days Later

Two days after I wrote that post, on a Monday night,  I asked for and received a birthday spanking. He used his hand, then the short cane. I suggested the cane because it is quiet. He dutifully gave me my age in hand spanks (less than 50). Then, he gave me the same number with the cane - and surprised me by continuing to about 70. The short cane when used OTK (actually, over the leg, leaning on the bed) doesn't hurt too much. It's not like getting the cane with him standing and using a full arm swing. The over the leg position only allows him to lift his arm and swing so much. It is stingy and does hurt, but it is quite manageable. I will say, I was satisfied and happy when it was over. I recall that I was starting to cry out a bit more, and he seems to stop when I do that. I'd like him to continue well beyond these natural protests, but he is not yet comfortable with that. We are making progress, though. I was quite turned on by the whole birthday spanking. Later, I remarked that I thought he would quit at my age (when he was spanking with the cane). He said he was expecting to do that, but he was enjoying it and wanted to continue. I think that is a great sign! He's becoming a spanko! Or, at least, a SPANKER! He is really a great guy!! I was very turned on by the spanking, and he certainly liked that.

Two days after my birthday spanking, we were at his place (where we have more privacy), spending our last night together for about five weeks. (He will be travelling for work until about Christmas.) Of course, he wanted to fool around, but it was getting late. I told him that I felt "the pressure is on" to get turned on quickly and have a great encounter. He understood how I might feel that way. Somehow I suggested that we could speed up the "turning on" part of making love if I got a spanking. He said, "We could do that." I agreed, and he took out the wooden paddle. I was willing, and a bit turned on that he would spank me with no warning or anticipation, but from the first spank, I was in such pain! I guess I was still feeling the aftereffects of the 70 cane strokes. (And, I was. For two days, I could feel the surface tenderness and deep soreness each time I sat down or touched my bottom.) After about 18 or so, I started to raise up my torso in pain after each swat, screaming out something like, "Ahhhh!". I guess I tolerated about 30 or so before my right foot started to come up and I cried out with each one. He could tell I was suffering, and he stopped and asked if that was enough. I said, "Yes!"

I'd prefer that he take me a bit farther, past the point that I'm starting to hope that he will stop. Instead of stopping and asking if that is enough, I wish he'd push my torso back towards the bed and give me five or six really hard ones, really fast. I'd scream, but I'd love it!!

I'll have to teach him how to put an "exclamation point" on a spanking.

Making Progress

This will be a short post. It is late.

What I have noticed in the past few spankings is that we are now developing our own spanking style. At first, I had an idea - from what I had read and my fantasies - of what I wanted him to say and to do. I thought that would save us the dreadful part of the learning curve where mistakes and regrets are made. But now I've learned that we have to do this our way and learn what is important to us. So from the start he has developed a ritual of telling me to "assume the position", which I didn't like at first because I associate that with boys being paddled (impersonally) at school. I prefer "Come here, bend over". But "assume the position" seems to make this more pleasant and a bit more fun for him. Also, warmups are now at his discretion, as are the order and number of strokes with each implement. At first I thought it had to be hand warmup, paddle, then cane, but he seems to prefer to do a warmup only sometimes, followed by the cane, then several sets with the paddle. Until this causes problems for us, I will let him proceed as he likes. After all, I want him to like this, and I like it so far.