Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Why Spanking Fantasies?

One aspect of spanking that is not explained by Opponent-Process Theory is having fantasies of being spanked before having any experience with erotic spanking - or any other type of spanking, for that matter. Why would I have had spanking fantasies as a college student? I had only ever had the rare swat on the rear for being too loud in the house.

I remember picking up a book in the college bookstore, reading a random page or two, and being aroused by stories of activities much more extreme than spanking. The book was apparently assigned reading for a sociology class. I think the description was of bondage of some sort. Perhaps there was some mild BDSM, too. I just don't remember. Not long after that, browsing at Walden Books, I discovered Nancy Friday's books of women's fantasies. While the rape fantasies did nothing for me, those that mentioned spanking were dog-eared and underlined. Why? I definitely think the feelings of (safe) loss of control and being overwhelmed are part of that thrill. There is something to the repetitive and unrelenting nature of a spanking that is very similar to .... well, I'll let you figure that out! So, being commanded to bend over and then have that pounding, pounding, pounding - with a little imaginary sting each time is pretty exciting.

That is the fantasy world. If a real spanking were just pain and misery, a woman would ask for or agree to one, have a terrible experience and then never agree to another spanking. Certainly, this does happen to some women, depending on the experience provided by her spanker and her own mental state and perceptions. But, many, many more do it again and again. I believe they have nice afterfeelings even with the first spanking and develop the good aftereffects that Opponent-Process predicts if the spankings are just frequent enough - perhaps once a week or so? Most people seem to settle on some time period between four days and a week between "maintenance" spankings. Could that be the optimal time between experiences? Perhaps. Alas, I don't think we can really know, but maybe one day other research will give us an idea of optimal. Any volunteers??

In the meantime, "Keep on Spanking"!!


Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Opponent-Process: Pleasure from Pain

The idea of explaining a woman's desire for a spanking using the Opponent-Process Theory of pain and pleasure makes TTWD much more understandable. I've long thought that Opponent-Process might explain why someone would ask for a painful experience like this, but having read more about the application of the theory to other situations I am even more impressed with the elegance and simplicity of the explanation. It just fits everything so well.

Part of what amazes me is that the theory applies both to women who simply like to be spanked for erotic purposes (e.g., Bonnie) as well as those practicing "Domestic Discipline" (Clint and Chelsea) and those who might be somewhere in between (Sara). I know the "pure Dd" group will disagree, but Dd is simply a way to convince a man who is not a natural spanko to spank his wife or girlfriend. I first understood this when a man I was dating asked me to spank him for discipline. I was willing to do it - as a favor - but it would not turn me on. I see an "HOH" that way. He gets no thrill from spanking, but he wants to do this for his wife or girlfriend. The idea of spanking her for discipline makes the activity acceptable to him. The couple simply have a more well-developed backstory than most of us. That's fine. I like the idea of a little discipline, too, but I don't need to justify my enjoyment of a spanking as a way to have a "clean slate" after a disagreement. A spanking never solved much of anything, so if there were real problems to disagree about, spanking would just drive the issues underground. (I have seen posts from women who seem to be stuck in this downward spiral. If I find one, I will post. I try to forget these sad stories.) I will concede that some women need a little spanking every now and then to remember to treat their husbands or boyfriends with respect. I know a few I could nominate. And I could have used one yesterday! Lol.

I'm sure some will dismiss the Opponent-Process explanation as "just a theory", but note that Todd Becker writes, "Solomon’s theory [Opponent-Process] has been verified experimentally with animals and humans, and reflects a sophisticated understanding of the physiology of the nervous system." You will have to refer to his very well-written blog entry for more detail. I could not do a better job. Kudos! The bottom line is that the theory works for so many behaviors and sensations.

I expect some push-back on this theory, as many people prefer mystery to an explanation. Seeing a spanking as a way to bring out endorphins in response to pain is not a radically new idea, either, but the theory is much more. It is fleshed out and comprehensive. Study Figures 4-7 on Becker's webpage. Disagree if you will, but all I ask is that you use a logical approach.

[As I may have noted elsewhere, I use "man" as the one with the paddle and "woman" as the one with the red bottom because that is how my life is organized. Sorry, but if your spankee is a man, you'll just have to do a find on "woman" and replace it with "man", "man" with "woman", and so on! I prefer not to use HoH because I can't stand to pronounce it "H-o-H" or to use the terms Dom and Sub, as that just doesn't feel like my life. To each his own.]

Monday, August 13, 2012

A Spanking New Theory of Spanking

I have spent a lot of time online looking for a blog post which will answer the question, "Why do I want to be spanked?" I have found posts where others try to explain what they enjoy about spanking. None seemed to fit me. So, not having found a suitable answer, I've decided to think carefully about this and see if I can come up with my own answer.

First, I decided that if I like spanking,I must like the feeling of being spanked.Well as one of my professors used to say, that's crazytalk!  How could I like the feeling of pain as a paddle strikes my rear end? I definitely don't like that. The only satisfaction that comes as I am actually being spanked is from the accomplishment of remaining in place. More on that later.

Well, if I don't like the actual feeling of being spanked, I must like some other feelings associated with the spanking. So let's see, is it the anticipation of a spanking that I enjoy?

Actually, I think I do like that part. If I know I am getting a spanking after my bath, I get a little nervous and my heart beats a little faster. I am genuinely a little worried as to what I will be experiencing in the near future. It's sort of like those click, click, click moments as a rollercoaster approaches its peak. Just riding a car to the top of a track is in itself not a very scary experience, yet the adrenaline is flowing and my senses are a bit heightened. I can definitely say I like this part of a spanking!

Continuing the rollercoaster ride, the spanking itself is like careening down the tracks in a terrifying free-fall. You scream, you grab on to the bar for "safety", and your mind is overwhelmed with sensations from your eyes, ears, and stomach! If you could think logically, you would realize that the amusement park is not going to design a ride to kill you, but your brain reacts as though its survival is threatened. Your palms may sweat as your body's sympathetic nervous system runs in high gear. Although technically a spanking is not really dangerous to you in the long term, your body still interprets pain as a threat to its survival. So the spanks are interpreted as a form of danger to your nervous system. The spanks hurt, and you struggle to follow instructions and stay in position. You want to cry and you clutch a blanket or pillow. You screw your eyes shut, a typical reaction to unpleasant stimuli. Perhaps closing your eyes is a way to try to limit incoming stimulation. I don't think that I really like this part.

The time after the spanking is similar to the end of the ride as the coaster glides to a stop and the riders unload.  I think everyone agrees that these moments after a spanking are the best part. I know that I have a wonderful sense of well-being at this point. And I transfer wonderful feeling to my partner. I love that he has taken me to this place. I appreciate him in so many ways. I lie beside him with my head on his shoulder, and he seems so wonderful, so strong, so attractive.

I have survived. It hurt. But I am ok now.

Actually - to the bigger question - I think this is why women enjoy spanking. There is that thrill that you have survived something dangerous, which psychologists explain as Opponent-Process Theory. Here's a good explanation at Opponent-Process Theory. (Opponent-Process is a strange term, but think of it as "opposite process" theory.)

I have never been able to tolerate thrill-seeking activities such as rollercoaster rides, but I like exciting things like new ideas, so maybe a spanking is a way for me to stimulate my sympathetic nervous system with some excitement.

One final question - can I have this thrill, bonding, and sense of well-being every day? Right now I want it every day. But like many treats and thrills, perhaps it is better to keep them special by not having them so often. I suppose I would be satisfied with once or twice a week. But what other treat is so good for me and has absolutely NO fat and no calories?? I think this is better than ice cream!!  :-)

Saturday, August 11, 2012

Why DD Works Better

Most people have three main rules for domestic discipline that involve dangerous, disrespectful, or disobedient behavior. Some question whether a woman needs a domestic discipline relationship in order to correct any behavior. Let's take dangerous behavior as an example today. One great example of an extremely dangerous behavior is texting while driving, or any touching of a cellphone while driving other than to simply answer an incoming call. In my state, texting while driving is certainly illegal, and I believe reading an email or - heaven forbid - writing an email would be illegal as well. After all, it doesn't matter which app you use. Touching and looking at a phone while driving is just plain dangerous.

Well, it is clear that a person who touches a phone while driving is trying to get away with something. I know this behavior is illegal, yet I have done it - even recently. Why would I do something that could kill me or earn me an expensive ticket? I do it because I can (usually) get away with it. So far I have ALWAYS gotten away with it. When I am tempted to use my phone while driving, there is only a small voice that says, "You really shouldn't do this....". Sometimes that voice wins out, but often my desire to do something with my phone wins out.

Should I text and drive? Here are the reasons against it:

(1) I might get in an accident. If today I text while driving and I don't get an accident, I got away with it! Whew! I was lucky - again - but I clearly got something for what seems to be nothing.

(2) I might get a ticket. But today I texted while driving and didn't get a ticket, so I got away with it! Yay!!

Those two main reasons apply to everyone. In this system, there very few real negative consequences to behavior. In fact, I've never been in an accident or gotten a ticket for texting  while driving. What do you think that is teaching me??

Now, let's say I am in a Domestic Discipline relationship. There is an additional, very compelling reason for me to never, ever text while driving. Here it is:

(3) If today I texted while driving, I would be obligated to tell my boyfriend that I did it as soon as I speak to him. It doesn't matter whether he saw me or whether someone tells him (like a cop). I have to face him and tell him that I did something very dangerous. I am simply not going to get away with this. No matter what, I am going to get a spanking. How often will I break the "dangerous" rule if I get an intermediate or advanced spanking for doing it? (It could be any kind of serious spanking. These are just two well-defined examples. See the LearningDD website for descriptions.)  I can't have a spanking like that every day, so I'm guessing that after one, I definitely would not do misbehave the next day. Or the day after that. I am thinking the effect would be fairly long-lasting. I think I would learn not to text while driving at all after only one or two serious spankings. Certainly, I wouldn't do it more than  a few times a year. How could I? These spankings are truly excruciating.

If you think about it this way, you will see that Dd is a much safer and more consistent way to change a person's behavior than just "knowing" it is dangerous or having the threat of economic penalties (i.e., getting a ticket).

From talking to coworkers, it seems that as more socially connected creatures, women seem to be more tempted to text while driving then men are. Men certainly seem to look at their phones for less time. In any event, my next post will explain how Dd changes the man's behavior to make him less likely to text while driving.

(Note: I use men as the HoH and women as the one receiving the punishments because that's how my life is. If yours is different, you will have to change the pronouns and other references.)

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Three Spankings

(1) Several times over the past month I've wanted to say, "If we have a little time this weekend, would you indulge my kink?", but I've always chickened out. Finally, on Monday, I decided to send my boyfriend, M, an email with some instructions on how to conduct a Beginner's Spanking. I sent it to him and waited. I could see him walk to the computer to check his account. I even saw him read it. He seemed a bit surprised and had to read it a couple of times. Finally, he turned to me and said, "I saw your email." That opened up the discussion. He said that he had no problem asking for what he wants, sexually, so I should have no trouble asking for a spanking. He asked if that took away some of the excitement. After 10 or 15 minutes of talk, he asked if I was ready to go to the bedroom. We did, and he spanked me rather lightly with the wood paddle. I think he did about 30 hand spanks and 22 paddle spanks.

(2) Last night, no warmup, 26 paddle strokes. I thought that might be all for the night, but instead he rubbed my bottom. At that point, I knew there would be more. It was exciting to realize that I was going to get another set! He paddled me 16 more times.

(3) Tonight, I asked for my spanking as soon as we came in from work. He agreed and I took off all of my clothes. He did a hand warmup with about 30 strokes, then about 25 paddle strokes, all harder than yesterday. After two days of spanking, tonight's spanking really hurt.  Again, he stopped, rubbed, and said, "A little break...." so I knew there would be more. He then smacked me about 18 more times. I was starting to squirm in that set. I moaned loudly, too, and said, "Owwww...." Then, we hugged and had a little kiss and I threw on a dress so that we could go to the living room to watch the evening news on the DVR. I liked the feeling of a sore bottom as I reclined on my side on the sofa. Covering with a blanket held in the heat and made it sting more. Later, reheating leftovers for supper, my bottom hurt each time I leaned over the sink. It was a good feeling, though. Didn't hurt much to sit at the dinner table, but I had that good after-spanking feeling the whole time.